Supporting anyone affected by the death of a baby and
promoting research to reduce the loss of babies’ lives
Created by Barry Thompson © 2010 - 2019 Derby Sands, all rights reserved
Charity registration number 299679
Missing you so much dearest daughter. You were so very special for mummy and you were taken away from me so cruelly.
Thinking of you always.
It was end of Feb beginning of March I found out I was expecting you, a Monday morning and very surprising. But I was so
pleased, I was 17 and had your brother Kaid who was 11 month old. He was a handful and I was planning on all the things
he would learn with you and do with you.
Very early in pregnancy I moved house with your biological father to one we could fit you into. It was much bigger and
nicer, but I fell down the stairs with Kaid in my arms. I was ok, until Mommar rang that lunch and I told her I was hurt and
what I’d done. I was sent to hospital and discharged a day or two later, that wasn’t the only visit to hospital I had.
Many more followed, I decorated the house in between and Mommar came to try and patch up my first attempt at
decorating. When she was there we walked to the local super market and I wasn’t too good. When we got back Mommar
called the midwife, she said I should be ok and relax. A week later I got your biological father to take me back to B and Q
Q to return the unused wallpaper. Before we got home I’d had so many contractions I had lost count. I was 30 weeks and 5
days pregnant with you. I called granddad and he didn’t believe me lol. Mommar was at Uncle Ricky’s uni opening day.
Mommar Joan came and the midwife and half the street then Mommar Sue came to hospital to us. Mommar Joan had Kaid
The hospital confirmed I was in labour though it wasnt active labour. They gave me the steroids to enhance your lungs so
you could cope with the outside world. After 3 days they discharged me on lots of pain killers.
I still couldn’t do much and my midwife Avril kept sending us hospital to get you out as you were breach but the hospital
wouldn’t hear of it and kept telling me I had a 70% chance of a natural birth with you. Kaid was born by caesarian section.
So every week we went through the same thing but the hospital didn’t scan me and weren’t fazed.
At 39 weeks and 1 day Uncle Ricky took me hospital as my contractions were much closer together. They said I was OK for
a while and could go home and wait for the onset of labour though they queried your position. Again they agreed you was
head down and didn’t scan me. Me and Mommar told them for over an hour that you weren’t breathing well enough, your
heart rate was much lower than usual but again they wouldn’t have it and sent me home with Mommar. That was midnight
on 19th October 2002, the very last time I heard your heartbeat. If only I knew.
The next day I was very poorly and Mommar was very concerned, she wanted to call the doctor but I didn’t want everyone
to keep causing a fuss. If I had have thought something was wrong I would have. So I sat choosing your middle name. I
On the Monday I felt fantastic. I had never felt that good in the pregnancy, it was a very ill pregnancy. I scrubbed
Mommar’s floor and went to the bank. That night I slept well, I think you must’ve had something to do with that to give
me the strength for Tuesday 22nd October. I woke up at 8am, contracting. I went upstairs and had one on the landing at
Mommar’s. She was on the phone and I didn’t want to worry her. I went back down stairs to the shower with my towel and
clothes, but I didn’t even get to wash my hair as you were ready to tell me you wanted a cuddle.
So Mommar called the paramedics and they asked her to stay on the phone, I got dressed and then they asked me to strip
and Mommar looked for your head. Then my waters broke everywhere. Amongst it all I was so excited as I knew I would
have my daughter by the end of the day and have 2 beautiful children and all my plans would be being lived. I had so
many clothes for you, I was so excited.
I didn’t contract after my waters broke and the paramedics turned up, they waited to see if you were waiting or coming
soon and when they knew you was waiting they took me hospital. Mommar tried to tell them it wasn’t normal but they
said everyone is different. They took me to delivery suite, it was all go and I knew you’d be in my arms so soon. They put
the belts around me and they didn’t find anything it was so quiet, another midwife tried and then they called a man with
a scanner. He stood scanning me and he was there forever.
I asked the ma, if everything was ok, he said “no not really” and i said "but there is a heartbeat isn’t there?". He shook his
head, said sorry and left. I don’t remember the next part. Mommar tells me I screamed for them to cut you out and save
you, I was only 17. What had I done for you to leave mummy like that?
I didn’t believe it, I couldn’t. Poor Mommar sat sobbing. I told her you’d be OK, that I could feel you but the midwife told
me that was just the contractions moving you. I didn’t believe her, you were my baby, I knew that I loved you far too
much to lose you. Mommar rang granddad, he went to their shop to tell Mommar Joan and he worked there so Mommar
Joan didn’t have to. Mommar Sue also rang your father. Both Mommar’s spent a few hours with me. I was given an
epidural. Your father came to see me too. I went through that day in a haze and then at 2:08 am on Wednesday 23rd
October 2002 you were pushed out of me, I think you were out in 3 pushes,
I thought you would breathe, expected you to cry but you didn’t. They took you to the other side of the room and cleaned
you, wrapped you up. It was so quiet.
The hospital gave us a camera and we took some pictures. They cut some of your hair for mummy to keep and took your
foot print too, they did some for your father too. I was taken to the ward and we tried to rest, then I got to see you again
before I had to leave for home. I hated leaving you Baylee, it broke my heart. I wanted to take you with me, show the
world I had a girl. I went back to Mommars house to see your big brother, he didn’t understand where you had gone. He
kissed my tummy every night to say good night to you during your time in my tummy and now you were gone. All them
pretty clothes I had for you unworn, all the Christmas gifts unopened, the moses basket unused. I was heartbroken. I
hated packing your things away as if you never existed.
You are buried under a tree, granddad likes that because you’re sheltered and protected. Your grave is burgundy red, I do
hope you like it. Kaid misses you so badly Baylee. He cries for you to be here, to play with him, he always wants to buy
you flowers and plants. How do I take his pain away darling? How do I ease my own? Almost 7 years later and I miss you so
much. I have had 2 girls since you and they are a blessing but they don’t replace you.
This year I don’t know what to do for your birthday. It should be a joint party with your sisters first but you aren’t here.
Kaid and Kaitlee share their birthdays as they are 5 days apart and you and Cerys are 8 days apart.
I dreamt about you a few month ago, so vividly I saw you all together, all 4 of my children together. I wish I could have
that picture saved forever but I can’t.
Granddad carried your tiny coffin to your resting place, how did he have the strength? We saw you every day we could
until you were buried. I love you oh so much. I do hope you know that and I hope you watch over us and can be proud.
I love you Baylee and so does the rest of the family. Me and Nigel, Kaid, Kaitlee and Cerys. We all visit your grave, we all
love you lots.
Rest in peace my beloved daughter.
Written by Baylee’s mummy, Rachel Attwood